I wrote this during a particularly pressing week. I hope my external processing brings some hope and relief to you. I recommend pressing play on the audio voiceover.
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My heart feels weak. I don’t even know if that accurately describes it well enough so that you can understand.
I guess another way of saying it is ‘my strength feels weak, my faith feels fragile, and my flesh is screaming to go another way’ (a bit dramatic? oh well).
Surely there has to be an easier road, one where I can assure the outcome, one where I can be in control? Is the question my heart is asking.
My heart is being tested in her ability to stay the course. Can she continue down the road that the Lord has set? She is being stretched again. The faith that she has been operating in is no longer enough for the tasks ahead of her. The strength that she has been using is now coming to an end and is no longer enough to carry her through.
My hearts needs a refreshing from the Lord.
My soul needs fresh strength.
I need a fresh encounter.
‘But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.’ - Isaiah 40:31
Where do you go when you need strength?
Do you call your close friend for encouragement? Or maybe a spouse for help with your heart?
Our natural desire is to find someone with whom we can share our load with. Someone who can speak words of life into our situations and lighten the burden even if it is just for a little while.
Perhaps the shelter of the most high is your place of refuge. The place in which you run.
‘Help me Lord, I don’t know what to do.’
This the honest cry of my heart. I look ahead and there are clear steps of what I need to do so perhaps that is not the prayer I really need to be praying.
‘Help me Lord, to do what you have given me to do’
Is probably much more accurate.
There are times when the task ahead of us is precisely the task that we do not want to do. It is a task that is a couple of ‘kilos’ more than we are used to lifting. It is the task that requires more faith than we have in our little bank of faith.
But everything within us knows that if I want to walk faithfully, then there is only one way ahead. And that is to walk the road that I cannot walk in my own strength or by my own faith.
Moses is one of my favourite people, his story moves me to tears every time I read it. Perhaps it is because I so resonate with the lonely road of faithfulness that he was called to, the exasperating journey of leadership or it is his deep desire for intimacy with God.
Anyway, I was thinking about Moses this week about the moment when God met him through the burning bush. Moses had killed a man and was now hiding in the back end of the desert, tending to someone else’s flock. He was so vastly unqualified (or should I say disqualified) from the call on his life but still God chose him anyway.
Can it be that even despite our limits and disqualifications (not even non - qualifications) God has a destiny on some of our lives that he is committed to seeing through? Even more committed that we are?
This wasn’t a ‘if not you, God will raise up another’ type of moment. This was a ‘right you took the wrong turn and it delayed the deliverance for your nations, but I am still committed to using you anyway’ type of moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the story of Esther (it is in the bible so who cares what I think about it, it is God’s word) but I think we have so overplayed this storyline that we have tipped the emphasis a little out of balance
With the story of Esther so much of the church’s teaching has put such an emphasis on the singular half-verse:
‘And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?’ Esther 4:14b.
That, mixed with the self-obsessed, self-centred culture of the West has resulted in this paralysing anxiety that we must stand up and raise to the call or else the world is going to end and we are going to totally miss our calling!
And some of that is true, some of us are Esthers, some of us need to step up and be courageous right now. But to think that it is So heavily dependent on us, and our perfect obedience and our courageous faith, tips it all out of balance and puts onto our laps a burden that we cannot carry.
Take a step back and take Esther’s story in balance with other stories in scripture, which are actually the majority, you will see the storyline of the God who pursues and woos his chosen deliverers.
Moses, Jonah, Jeremiah, Elijah, Gideon, Hezekiah, Abraham…
Men who were truly fearful … men who hesitated… men who questioned and even ran their own way… but people who were used by God anyway.
This is the storyline of scripture that God will use the imperfect and the ones with little faith.
(side note: I love how in scripture the women of faith are portrayed as quick in obedience and faithfulness i.e. Ruth, Tamar, Rahab, Mary, Esther and Deborah. Their conversations are often recorded without their hesitation or argument but instead, with steadfast quick faith. Ha, you can’t say that scripture does not honour women)
God choose to meet with Moses not when he was in his ‘I am the deliverer’ mode but when he was fully in his ‘I am tapped out of the race, God will have to raise up another’ mode. Broken, loss of confidence, little faith, and depleted strength…
It was then that God encountered him, met him, and commissioned him for the work ahead. It was then that God revealed Himself as Yahweh and promised to go with him.
Our weak hearts, fragile courage and depleted strength do not disqualify us but I believe it is what actually qualifies us to be used by God. He desires to use us in our weakest, most fragile states so that His strength is perfected in us and the glory within us is not mistaken to be from us.
It is just not very fun for us! (at least in the moment).
We think that being full of faith means feeling like the impossible is possible. We think that being strong in the Lord is feeling positive and confident. We think that believing God for the impossible is feeling like the miracle has already happened.
And sometimes it is.
But I believe that more often than not it doesn’t feel like that at all.
I suspect faith feels a little more like desperation for God to move, strength feels more like falling weakly into his arms, and believing for the impossible feels like slowly lifting our gaze from our circumstances to His face instead.
In this upside-down kingdom, these small acts are the actions that move the heart of the King.
In the arena of warfare with darkness these small acts are violent acts of faith that take hold of the Kingdom of God and pull it onto earth.
He is the God who answers ‘I am with you’ when your question is ‘Who am I?’
The God who reveals ‘I AM WHO I AM’ when your question is ‘what are my qualifications?’
The One who takes the old familiar shepherd’s staff in your hands and uses it to do the miraculous.
He is the God who is more patient with you than you are with yourself, who desires to partner with you more than you desire to partner with Him and who is more invested in His plans on the earth at this time than you could ever hope to be.
So invest your mustard seed of faith to see mountains move, give over your clay vessel to carry something great and boast all the more of your weaknesses for in that He is made strong.
I personally think that taking continued risk and steps of faith is what keeps us ‘young’ in faith. ‘Young’ being defined as ‘in desperate need of God’. I don’t like doing it, like everything in me screams ‘nooooo not again’ and I am often able to think of at least 25 reasons why someone else is better qualified.
But I have found that God has a way of making sure that the right things are done by the people He has chosen on earth. As in if He has a plan for you and you are generally desiring to live within His will and submitted to Him… then no matter the mistakes, no matter the disqualifications, He WILL find a way to help you to do the work.
Each time I take steps of faith and obedience, where my flesh has to die so my spirit thrives, I am reminded that in my death is His life and life for others to see. And after the initial ‘bbfiugbrfuoabjdnshjba’ I see what God sees in me, I see His life filling me and I see myself more me than I have ever been.
Most of the time the greatest block to God’s work in our lives, is not our disqualification but our disobedience. So if you have a ‘yes’ in your heart… well, the rest God will sort out.
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As always I love being here with you and I am looking forward to reading your thoughts and reflections. I hope this piece brought peace 😊
Until next time,
Love Anna x
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Some ponderings this week:
The Lord knew I needed to read this. After an evening filled with, “Lord, what can I do for you?? I’m just one person!” He has spoke to me saying, “My child, just stay obedient. Follow what I have asked you to do and I will sort out the rest.” Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts!!
You were so right about listening to the voice over. It was a more enriching experience than just reading what you wrote. I love how you broke Moses down. I agree with you about Esther and the way those other women are portrayed in the bible. This was encouraging. Thanks for sharing.