I hit 2K subscribers, and then I wanted to quit.

why more subscribers doesn’t make it more enjoyable to write.

I started writing on Substack (the blogging platform you are receving this newsletter through) in January 2024. I had 40 subscribers and a heart full of words.

Week by week I wrote my little heart out. I never had a viral post, but slowly the number of subscribers to this blog grew.

Every time I reached a new subscriber milestone, I thought that I would feel something. Elation? Satisfaction? I am not sure what I was waiting for.

I hit the 1K subscriber milestone, and my friends celebrated with me. But still, I was waiting, waiting to feel something.

Then my subscriber list grew to 2K, and it finally hit me. But it wasn’t what I thought it would be.

I thought there would be a feeling of satisfaction waiting for me, a moment of fulfilment and pride, but instead, I felt hollow, empty, wanting.

Drafts started to pile up, and many posts remained unpublished. All of a sudden things didn’t make sense anymore.

What went wrong?

In order to understand this, you need to know why I started blogging in the first place. The no-frills version.

I came to blogging because I was running away from the suffocating void of posting on Instagram. I couldn’t bare anymore the consuming speed of the algorithm and the way it sucked up my precious work, threw it into the abyss and then moved on. I came because I wanted a slower, more thoughtful life.

At least that is what I told myself…

In actuality, I came to Substack because I needed a low-competition space. I had no idea how the app worked, but being able to share work to 40 people who wanted to read my work felt so much better than sharing to thousands who didn’t.

Boiled down. I wanted to be seen, known, and not alone.

I wanted to know that I was good enough.

This is what went wrong.

You see, this need for validation does not disappear the moment you reach a certain milestone. It doesn’t disappear when you achieve what you believe will fulfil you.

The need for validation from others is the all-consuming algorithm that keeps us chasing, wanting, and at the end of it all, burnout and empty. It follows us wherever we go, whatever job, whatever platform, whatever community we are in.

It is within us, and external plasters cannot heal it.

So what do we do?

Truthfully, I don’t fully know yet.

But I do know that I need to sit with the void within, to stop running, stop hiding, stop plastering over it and begin facing the deep need I have.

Henri Nouwen talks about this inner void as loneliness that drives us into frantic activity and relationships¹, or in my case, driving up my subscriber ‘count’.

But this doesn’t work, and for me, it led me to almost give up on writing altogether. You see, no feedback from any activity, relationship, or achievement can ever actually truly fill that void within.

‘Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it (or my case fill it), we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life, we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude.’²

*breathes in and breathes out*

Can you imagine living from such a place? Writing from such a place? Creating from such a place?

This movement from creating from a place of loneliness to creating from a place of fruitful solitude changes everything.

No longer will creativity be the transaction for validation, but instead an oasis from which we can generously share. Needing nothing back from our audience but with rich depths to share from.

This is the dream, this is the journey. To be fully known by God alone, to be fully satisfied by His love and approval of me, to serve wholeheartedly like Christ, to have a fruitful solitude within that bursts forth with life regardless of my surroundings.

This is the dream.

And I am committed to the journey.

photo credit: Becca Booth

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I have been thinking a lot about what this publication actually is and have come to realise that this publication is a chronicling of a journey.

My journey.

Captured and written down so that you might find your story within mine, or the words you need within the prayers I share.

I have been tempted to make access to Heart & Hope more exclusive because, honestly, it is scary putting myself out here every week! But I am persuaded by the Holy Spirit to trust and follow Him, and to give what He has given to me freely.

So my writings will continue to be open to all, and I am even opening up access to the Coffee Chats podcast that used to be paywalled. But depth and history will be reserved for those who become Heart & Hope Friends (follow the link to learn more).

Until next time,

Love Anna x

Ways to support this blog:

- Become a Heart & Hope Friend

- Give a one off donation, you can buy me a coffee!

- Hit the 🧡 button and share this post.

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In case you missed these:

1. In his book ‘Reaching Out’

2. Henri Nouwen ‘Reaching Out’ page 13