‘Your purity was always a gift.’

Why are you running this race? Will you be able to run until the end?

‘Your purity was always a gift.’

As these words tumbled out of my mouth, I knew instantly those words were not from me.

I was sitting with a friend, talking about real-life things. Real life highs and lows. Sorrows and joys and regrets.

‘Our holiness and purity were always a gift’

Yup, those words were definitely not from me. But as I said them, I realised that they felt more true than they ever have.

You have been made Holy. It was never your doing, never something you can take credit for.

Reading those words will likely trigger one of two responses in you¹.

For the first camp of people, that reminder brings a great sense of relief and gratitude springs forth from somewhere deep.

For the second camp of people a slight irritation and the immediate response ‘yeh, but God calls us to holiness’.

I would love to say that I was in the first camp of people. But truthfully, I am in the second camp, or at least I have spent most of my life there. I took the gift of Holiness as a given and spent my energy on ‘being Holy’. Priding myself on the decisions I made and the way of life I chose (which in itself is sin, *facepalm*).

From the outside, it is a great camp to be a part of, on the whole, you look more together, you look like ‘a Christian’ (whatever that is supposed to look like), and overall, life goes well for you, especially church life.

The downside of being in the second camp is that the emphasis is always on your own behaviour, which swings wide the doors to pride (in your own consecration), shame and guilt (when you fail) and striving (because you don’t understand that it has already been given).

Being a second-generation, first-born daughter to parents who were active in church ministry. I have always been brilliant at working out what was required of me and delivering it with first-class service.

But you know what? It got me far. I was the obvious choice for many church situations. I genuinely loved God, but I also knew what was required of me. A church leaders dream! But the pressure over the years built and built and built.

It is a gift to know the will of God, but a burden to translate it whilst neglecting the heart of God.

I remember one time in my life where I just wanted to throw the towel in. I was so tired of behaving well, being a role model and always choosing the right thing to do. My accountability sessions were filled with my friends persuading me to connect with the grief of God around my behaviours that were unaligned with Him.

But I was just so fatigued by the demands of both by myself, and the expectations of others, that I just wanted to escape. I wanted to make a huge mistake and be free from perceived ‘perfection’.

I was so disconnected from the heart of God.

If I could go back and speak to my 21-year-old self, I would want to take her tear-stained, frustrated face in my hands, look deep into her eyes and say ‘It’s okay, you can let go’.

You can let go of the pressure, you can let go of your grip onto Jesus and the right way, you can let go of your regimented behaviours, you can let go.

Not because there isn’t a narrow way but because there is a God who holds you to the narrow way.

And He is strong enough to hold you kicking and thrashing. He is loving enough to hedge you in. You don’t need to be afraid of yourself, you don’t need to be afraid that He will leave you, you don’t need to be afraid that your sin and desire are more powerful than His deep and expansive love for you.

I would want her to know that if she falls and when she falls, she doesn’t fall onto a hard ground that will spit her out, but she falls onto the rock that is Christ. Onto the purity that was bought for her at a high and costly price.

I would want to say to her, ‘It was never about you and your purity. Your holiness has always been a gift.’

photo credit: Becca Booth.

I got through those years. Honestly, I just doubled down on my own efforts. I ran to the cross over and over and found forgiveness, but still, I didn’t understand. Still, I believed it was my behaviour, whether right living or seeking forgiveness, that allowed me to remain in the will and kingdom.

But over a decade later, battered and bruised, having hit burnout twice, and having walked through valleys I didn’t know could be as dark as they were, I have found out for myself that my ability to be righteous, to live consecrated, to pursue purity are all a sham compared to the great grace that has been given to me.

The great grace that He would wash me white as snow, and cover me with His precious blood.

I believe this is probably the route for many of us who have been raised in the church. We were born into grace (trust me, being born into a Christian family is the grace of God). We were raised knowing grace, even experiencing grace, but grace is so offensive to our flesh, so offensive to our sinful nature, that we cannot consolidate it with the striving and pride of our flesh.

So we begin to emphasise the parts of scripture that are true, but only part of the command. The parts that instruct us to live like Jesus, to live holy lives, to choose righteousness, to be people of purity. In this emphasis, we find others doing the same, and soon we are all running the race of consecration and holiness, but having left behind the foundational truth of that race.

The truth that the race was already won, and you already wear the medal around your neck. A medal not won by you but gifted to you. The race is over.

We run not because purity and holiness are the prize, we run because we want to be like Jesus, to live like Jesus.

And running the same path as Him helps us to know Him and understand the value of what was gifted to us. Every valley, every trough, every mountain climb and steep descent, every trip, every stumble, every triumph and win all point us to the Holy One, who ran this exact race with perfection. No stumbling, not even once. Not getting lost or forgetting His identity, not even once. Not losing focus and never straying from the will of the Father.

He was the only one who could claim the prize, so why do we run thinking that we could ever outdo Him?

Now don’t hear what I am not saying.

I am not saying ‘therefore don’t run the race’. I am not saying ‘forfeit the prize’. I am not saying there isn’t a prize or reward.

I am saying run the race, but run for the actual prize that is on offer. The prize isn’t a pure and holy life; what a subpar prize.

The prize is Christ.

And the point of running the race is so that we can know experientially the way that Jesus went, throwing off all sin and weights that hinder us. We run to follow in the footsteps of the One we adore.

But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do, for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:15-16 [emphasis add].

Though we stumble and fall, to walk the way of purity is so that we can be like the One who inspires us, the One who give us meaning, the One who loves us. The perfect one.

It is not to gain perfection, for that has already been gifted to you, like a medal around your neck, a cloak on your shoulders; it is to be where He is and live like He did.

That changes everything.

It changes how we run, for we run no longer out of a need to achieve, but as an expression of joy, discovery of Jesus and deep gratitude.

I have ran this race with a hard face for so long, I want to finish my race with tears streaming down my face, deep gratitude makes me lay prostrate, and a heart bursting with praise.

Reaching the finish line by grace, and grace alone.

And when I am crowned, as we all will be for how we have lived this life, there will be NO hesitation, NO questions about where that crown truly belongs.

I will cast down my crowns at the feet of Jesus, crying,

‘You are worthy, our Lord and God,

to receive glory and honor and power,

for you created all things,

and by your will they were created

and have their being.”²

photo credit: Becca Booth

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Until next time,

Love, Anna x

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1. Likely there are more than 2 responses but ey, two is more than enough to write about in a short newsletter.

2. Revelation 4:11